Melancholic memories.
Hi blog. I tried viewing my archives last night and it brought me some kind of ill-feeling. I missed those days… terribly. Those days when even at the busiest moment of my life, I am happy narrating all that happened in details – even at its tiniest bit – before I hit the sack. Im so sad because, suddenly realize that maturity had eaten all of me. I mean, I am no longer a kid or a teen or whatsoever that anyone can still call young. I mean, sooner or later, I will have to depart with who I am before and become more of a young adult until I have no more marks of the young age.
Today, I walk past the heavy rain and wind after my internship. I had a strange feeling that rain brought me to more melancholic memories now, unlike before, when rain used to be my best friend. A sudden guilt strikes me. Because I know for myself that I am the cause of why the maturity freaks me out now and why it swept the innocence away from me.
Innocence. What do I know about the real world? All I know was, I was born tall and I was skinny. I used to dance a lot. I was always in love with Sunday mornings. I grew up liking dad’s playlist. I care about myself more than how I care now. And I used to dream about my prince…
I can still remember that rainy afternoon when a servant I knew suddenly caused me pain. Because he wasn’t aware that he had an admirer, he would be flirty with other girls. I, of course, would be so affected. That afternoon, I went to the sanctuary and knelt. I cried so hard… so hard I am hearing pieces of my broken heart shattering in an area in my chest. Like a kid, I plead to Him to promise me that one day, when all is well, He would show who will be the closest perfect prince for me. I beg to Him as I cry in pain to make me happy when that day comes and that make that servant, who dumped me, felt the loss of not having me. I told Him to make me meet him in my 19th. I was 17 back then.
When I turned 18, I met someone who had made my rainy days happier than usual. Someone who was seemingly returning the passion I was showing him. Until the day came that the servant who was rude to me was completely lost in my memory. There were no hurt feelings anymore and I was glad about that.
Then my 19th came. Ah. The pleasure of the last teen… During my birthday, I was torn to being a girl and being a lady. I was more of a lady when days passed. Until that time when I thought I met the one that I had asked.
He was my prince. For many months, we had nothing but our world. We play and love like kids during noon times. We would secretly hang out to escape from our harsh world and believe that our occurrence in reality only appears when we are not together. I was happy – no, I was extremely happy, for I was never loved like that. I felt to have a partner in so many ways and in so many times I forgot I used to do it all alone. He introduced me to things way beyond from what I know. He taught me good stuffs and taught me how to deal with the wrongs ones. I just felt afloat every time we meet. Thinking about him… about us... was a delightful way to waste time.
Not so long ago, our world starts to have cracks. It was as if invaders had seen our own world. Because of that, we escaped again. We run toward the vanishing light... we were heading darkness. It became so even complicated when we hid from the real Creator of our world. This made me guilty every day because it was all so wrong. There was too much bliss in our sin that we forget we need to go back to reality. My prince cried in front of me because he was afraid. We were afraid. And we do not know now how to distinguish right from wrong. It was as if the darkness crumpled our brains...
---
I used to give advices to my friends like I was a major in it. And most of the time, they all come up to me and share. And from them, of course, I learned. But what is frustrating about it is that, when you give advice, it always works out, but when you decide and advise yourself, you break. And what I hate the most was that, I have many friends when my friends got problems, but I found myself so alone when I am sinking in a hole full of madness.
I am broken right now. Maybe, when I was 17, I was wrong about asking for the prince. I was wrong because I was innocent. My innocence left me behind struggling and gasping for more of it because I was no longer naïve. What I used to do before doesn’t give me happiness now. The simple listening to songs with cute melodies is erased from me now. I hated the rain much these days. And I don’t feel like growing. I don’t feel myself pursuing what I want to do. I want to break free. I want to be careless as much as I was back when I was 17. I want to become known yet unknown.
I just want to bring back my life. And I don't know if I want to erase the prince part for now.
:'(
Hi blog. I tried viewing my archives last night and it brought me some kind of ill-feeling. I missed those days… terribly. Those days when even at the busiest moment of my life, I am happy narrating all that happened in details – even at its tiniest bit – before I hit the sack. Im so sad because, suddenly realize that maturity had eaten all of me. I mean, I am no longer a kid or a teen or whatsoever that anyone can still call young. I mean, sooner or later, I will have to depart with who I am before and become more of a young adult until I have no more marks of the young age.
Today, I walk past the heavy rain and wind after my internship. I had a strange feeling that rain brought me to more melancholic memories now, unlike before, when rain used to be my best friend. A sudden guilt strikes me. Because I know for myself that I am the cause of why the maturity freaks me out now and why it swept the innocence away from me.
Innocence. What do I know about the real world? All I know was, I was born tall and I was skinny. I used to dance a lot. I was always in love with Sunday mornings. I grew up liking dad’s playlist. I care about myself more than how I care now. And I used to dream about my prince…
I can still remember that rainy afternoon when a servant I knew suddenly caused me pain. Because he wasn’t aware that he had an admirer, he would be flirty with other girls. I, of course, would be so affected. That afternoon, I went to the sanctuary and knelt. I cried so hard… so hard I am hearing pieces of my broken heart shattering in an area in my chest. Like a kid, I plead to Him to promise me that one day, when all is well, He would show who will be the closest perfect prince for me. I beg to Him as I cry in pain to make me happy when that day comes and that make that servant, who dumped me, felt the loss of not having me. I told Him to make me meet him in my 19th. I was 17 back then.
When I turned 18, I met someone who had made my rainy days happier than usual. Someone who was seemingly returning the passion I was showing him. Until the day came that the servant who was rude to me was completely lost in my memory. There were no hurt feelings anymore and I was glad about that.
Then my 19th came. Ah. The pleasure of the last teen… During my birthday, I was torn to being a girl and being a lady. I was more of a lady when days passed. Until that time when I thought I met the one that I had asked.
He was my prince. For many months, we had nothing but our world. We play and love like kids during noon times. We would secretly hang out to escape from our harsh world and believe that our occurrence in reality only appears when we are not together. I was happy – no, I was extremely happy, for I was never loved like that. I felt to have a partner in so many ways and in so many times I forgot I used to do it all alone. He introduced me to things way beyond from what I know. He taught me good stuffs and taught me how to deal with the wrongs ones. I just felt afloat every time we meet. Thinking about him… about us... was a delightful way to waste time.
Not so long ago, our world starts to have cracks. It was as if invaders had seen our own world. Because of that, we escaped again. We run toward the vanishing light... we were heading darkness. It became so even complicated when we hid from the real Creator of our world. This made me guilty every day because it was all so wrong. There was too much bliss in our sin that we forget we need to go back to reality. My prince cried in front of me because he was afraid. We were afraid. And we do not know now how to distinguish right from wrong. It was as if the darkness crumpled our brains...
---
I used to give advices to my friends like I was a major in it. And most of the time, they all come up to me and share. And from them, of course, I learned. But what is frustrating about it is that, when you give advice, it always works out, but when you decide and advise yourself, you break. And what I hate the most was that, I have many friends when my friends got problems, but I found myself so alone when I am sinking in a hole full of madness.
I am broken right now. Maybe, when I was 17, I was wrong about asking for the prince. I was wrong because I was innocent. My innocence left me behind struggling and gasping for more of it because I was no longer naïve. What I used to do before doesn’t give me happiness now. The simple listening to songs with cute melodies is erased from me now. I hated the rain much these days. And I don’t feel like growing. I don’t feel myself pursuing what I want to do. I want to break free. I want to be careless as much as I was back when I was 17. I want to become known yet unknown.
I just want to bring back my life. And I don't know if I want to erase the prince part for now.
:'(
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